Criticism can be soul-crushing and emotionally excruciating. Especially as someone who struggles with the anxiety of all sorts, namely social anxiety. It’s not uncommon we drown ourselves in fears of social rejection and further self-deprecation.
I’m someone who used to struggle with swallowing feedback. They either get tangled up with my shame, or I internally magnify the severity of the situation. Paradoxically, I’ve also always been aware of the importance of these corrections. Certainly, I’m no professional at lots of things and feedback is indeed essential for personal and professional growth.
To better manage my approach to criticism, I’ve been curious about why and how external comments affect myself and others to such a large extent. Combining research and my personal hypothesis, I came up with this simple analogy to dissect the heightened anxiety of receiving criticism.
The Criticism Amplifier
While this is entirely a personal analogy, I’d like to define the Criticism Amplifier as an inner megaphone that heightens our inner perception of external feedback.
This amplifier contains four hypothesized components that influence how heightened our perception of criticism becomes:
1. Self-worth
The poorer your self-worth, the harsher the perceived criticism
Those who perceive themselves as being less skilled tend to project outside feedback directly onto their self-worth as a whole. This low self-worthiness hence leads to amplified negative feedback. And eventually, outside criticism enmeshes with and reinforces their personal inner critic.
2. Perception towards the person giving feedback
The more you perceive someone being higher in terms of social status, the harsher the perceived criticism
Perceiving someone as being of higher social status or experience amplifies the relevance of their feedback. This is because these factors reflect one’s credibility and authority. Therefore, their comment becomes more highly valued, magnifying its impact.
3. Expectations towards a situation
The bigger the expectation of an outcome, the harsher the perceived criticism
We often hope for a situation to entail positive outcomes, but sometimes it doesn’t. Eventually, the mismatch between expectation and reality amplifies the negative effect of the criticism.
4. Sensitivity levels
The higher your biological sensitivity levels, the harsher the perceived criticism
Certain childhood experiences may lead to greater sensitivity, specifically in the emotional regions of the brain. Studies have shown how the alteration of brain areas involved in the appraisal, expression, and regulation of negative emotions may increase their sensitivity to negative social evaluation.
How to Handle Criticism: Cushioning the Amplifier
While it may seem all doom-and-gloom, there are several cushioning strategies you can take to minimize the amplifying effect. It’s important to note that this doesn’t erase all anxiety that comes with negative evaluations. We’re all human and it’s normal to feel sad upon receiving unpleasant evaluations.
However, these tactics can help us stay level-headed instead of letting our anxiety further hamper our sense of self:
1. Detach self-worth from identity
Sometimes we wear our identity too high up our sleeves. We attach our egos to our profession, our Instagram accounts, our partners. As a result, we are swayed upon receiving feedback that doesn’t match our identity even so slightly. Therefore, it’s helpful to reduce the attachment we have to the roles we play in society. Instead, cultivate your self-worth from your inner truth and core values.
2. Humanize the critic and evaluate their intentions
Whether it’s your boss, coach, customer, audience. They’re all human and they’re definitely not discounted from a life full of criticism. If they come from good intentions, the feedback will often come with ways to improve. Or they may open their doors for further discussion. Therefore, thanking them for their thoughtfulness can actually improve the relationship. But if their intentions are questionable, it’s more a sign of their character rather than yours.
3. Loosen the grip on a perfect outcome
I know. We all strive for that perfect grade, positive performance review, smooth job interview. And oftentimes, we do indeed give our very best. But life comes with lots of plot twists, doesn’t it? What I’ve learned is that the more ambitious I am about something, the more I need to loosen my grip. Letting it go once I’ve given my best or when I’ve completed the task. Sometimes holding onto the desired outcome too tightly risks a greater shattering of expectations.
4. Pause to process
The ancient emotional areas in our brain get a two-second head start over our more sophisticated logical centers. Especially if you’re a sensitive-deep-feeling individual, it’s easy for sudden comments to go off the rails before we even process them. So, when criticism hits, it’s good to pause to give your rational brain enough time to synthesize. While you buy yourself some time for all your cognitive resources to come aligned, you could acknowledge your strengths, or even thank the critic for their feedback to soften the tension.
Concluding thoughts…
Being aware of how your mind amplifies external comments gives us a clearer picture of how to tackle those nerve-wracking feelings. It’s not about stonewalling others or walking on eggshells to avoid trouble. Rather, recognizing how we respond to criticism so that we know what kinds of cushions we need to minimize the impact of our next fall.
To be criticized is the tax you have to pay for having a public voice. And that’s the tax I’m willing to pay to be a woman who presents her soul’s work into the world. In honor of all those who never could, and all those today who still can’t.
Elizabeth Gilbert, New York Times bestselling author
