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Depression first came to me as this overwhelming rush of sadness was when I was eight. I didn’t really understand why I felt that way and I couldn’t verbalize the reason when asked. All I know is that the sadness became progressively intense throughout the years. And during my teens, circumstances had pushed me to another level of such emotions. Eventually, I learned to cope by turning sadness into apathy.
By using apathy to mask the sadness, I was still able to function relatively well in school. I got decent grades, participated in extra-curriculars, controlled my food and exercise. But because all these “achievements” came from a zombified place, they did little good and perhaps even more harm.
Instead of celebrating the milestone of graduating high school, I had lost my health, my vitality, and most sadly my drive for people and things I loved. The grades, the lost weight, the scholarships were nothing but fragile anchors my depression latched on. One day, something in me snapped – the way I was living was detrimental not just for me but those around me too. Slowly after, I began taking steps to unlearn the disserving habits that kept me in the depths of depression:
1) Limiting beliefs
Living with depression is like being enslaved to all the limiting beliefs you have about yourself. That you’re not worthy of good friends, you’re too ugly, you’re too dumb. For a long time, these were my default narratives.
Unlearning my limiting beliefs meant trying things even though I believed I was unworthy. It wasn’t so much about telling myself that I’m pretty or I’m smart (though, I’ve heard affirmations work for some people). But rather challenging myself to wear that dress, to try that new skill, or to say ‘hi’ to strangers despite these stiff beliefs.
2) Worthiness lies in achievement
Having been in competitive academia, grades were everything. Numbers, metrics, praises very quickly became the golden indicator of my worth and credibility. And when you live with high-functioning type depression, you get good at putting in the grind and numbing yourself when burned out.
Unlearning this meant detaching from societal indicators of success and turning inward to assess my values. I dumped out all the grades and praise I used to fill up my apathetic void. And slowly filled it up from the inside with self-honesty.
3) Apathy is the solution
Shutting down and avoiding conflict (with others and myself) had been my go-to coping mechanism. It was something I picked up as a kid who didn’t know how to deal with sadness and fear. So even though I was unbothered by most things, I was just as passive towards what I used to love too.
Turning this around was messy. Unlearning apathy meant learning emotions, which also meant the resurfacing of old emotional wounds. But paired with lots of education, self-awareness, and mindfulness, I was able to regain proactivity over difficult feelings.
4) Doing things alone is a strength
I’ve always been rather self-reliant since young. While independence is a virtue I appreciated, depression has turned it into a vice. I didn’t know how to seek help and I thought I could get through it myself. But I was very wrong – indulging in my ‘I can deal with everything myself’ mindset sank me into isolation where depression took control.
Part of unlearning this mindset included reaching out and getting help. Whether it’s being open to friends and family, or by getting the help of a professional. Any form of social support will very quickly pull you out of the depression quicksand. All of which makes the overcoming process less heavy.
5) Recovery equals perfect happiness
In the beginning stages of wanting to get better, I stumbled a lot because I thought recovery meant rainbows and butterflies. My inner perfectionist wanted to “achieve happiness” to “win recovery”.
Rather, recovery is quite the opposite of happiness. It’s about feeling both good and bad emotions, and managing them in a healthy way without shutting down. In other words, I had to unlearn the non-existent idea of a perfect recovery.
Concluding thoughts…
Depression really does leave a mark of helplessness and constant settling. And it requires lots of work and time to reverse the impact of painful memories. Unlearning these deprecating habits during recovery was not short of its challenges. But it was so crucial for me to unroot shaky foundations, re-establish a more solid sense of self, and ultimately live a lighter and more meaningful life.
