What is Emotional Transparency?
Emotional transparency is communicating your feelings in a way that is authentic and genuine. You relate to others through unfabricated versions of your experiences. Even if it means exposing your fears and vulnerabilities.
Why We Should be Emotionally Transparent
By effectively communicating our true emotions, we relieve accumulated tension or resentments within a relationship. Unfortunately, many of us struggle to be emotionally transparent. We habitually hide our feelings to uphold an image and/or we fear criticism. While it does take a lot of courage and strength to own up to our truths, these hard conversations are essential if we want our feelings and needs to be acknowledged.
The Transparency Paradox
In a world that is hyperconnected and social media dominated, truths and realities are more exposed than ever. The question is, why do we struggle with transparency and honesty in real life when we share so much online?
The key reason for this paradox is that our interactions have become increasingly transactional and demanding. As a result, we have descended into surface-friendly but emotionally distant relationships. We update our feelings on social media but never really direct them to a specific person. We then expect others to automatically come along to comfort us. And when our needs of comfort and resolution aren’t met, we self-indulge in rumination and disconnection.
So how do we practice effective emotional transparency instead of ineffective oversharing?
1. Self-reflection
When we’re caught up with overwhelming emotions, it’s easy to splurge all our feelings to the person in closest proximity (or conveniently share it on social media). While sharing how we feel is a great way to soothe difficult emotions, we may exaggerate or misinterpret situations in the thick of our feelings.
Therefore, engaging in a moment of self-reflection before pouring our feelings is a great way to put things into perspective. By taking a step back from tough situations, we allow space for insight and we better hone our emotional intelligence. We can then share our feelings more rationally and also be more mindful of whom to share it with. Here are a few self-reflection prompts that can bring you more mental and emotional clarity:
- What emotion am I experiencing? What was the situation that led up to it?
- How did this situation hold me back?
- I know I’m in a tough place, but what can I learn from this?
- Who are the top three people I can trust and who can help me through this situation?
2. The golden hour for tough conversations
Purging heavy emotions anytime and anywhere can actually be counterproductive and may lead to backfiring effects. Examples include confronting a spouse with children around or posting an angry status on Facebook after an argument with your boss.
After engaging in the self-reflection exercise mentioned above, we need to be smart about when to express those feelings. If finding the right time feels difficult, we can try creating opportunities for productive conversation. It can be as simple as asking, “I have something I would like to speak about with you. Is now a good time?”. This will help ensure whether the other person is ready to listen and receive what you have to say.
3. Leave blame and judgment at bay
Once again, the self-reflection exercise above will help you tune in to your true feelings. By giving your emotions words of description, you can then communicate them more accurately and constructively to others.
Oftentimes we may discover unfulfilled needs beneath those heavy emotions. For example, when a roommate leaves their dishes unwashed at the sink, our feelings of annoyance will instinctively label them as a “bad roommate”. Self-reflection allows us to uncover the underlying problem and help us communicate them without the labels and judgment. A response to the example above would be, “While I’m slightly upset you left the dishes unwashed, I understand you’re busy with work, but I hope we could do our parts in keeping the house clean. ”
4. Reciprocal communication
Reciprocal communication means being open to others’ opinions while you share your side of the story. The reality of honesty is that there is a possibility others’ may not agree with us. However, by having an open mind, productive outcomes can result from disagreements as well.
Reciprocal communication also means communicating feelings and being transparent is a two-way street. Instead of purely purging our own feelings, it’s just as important to actively listen to others’ needs. Only then can we find that common ground to reach mutual understanding.
Concluding thoughts…
The difference between being authentic and oversharing goes back to our intentions. Shallow oversharing often stems from a misguided attempt to gain sympathy and project blame. Whereas emotional transparency, along with effective communication, stems from the attempt to solve problems. So, before you share your most personal feelings, do reflect on your intentions and be mindful of the potential consequences. Remember, we can be authentic and still maintain our sense of privacy.
Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?”
Brené Brown (American researcher, story-teller, professor)
