About Emotional Invalidation
“Other people have it worse”
“At least you have xyz”
“Why didn’t you do this instead?”
Have you ever confided in someone about a tough situation only to be dismissed by statements like these? These phrases are common examples of emotional invalidation – the act of minimizing someone else’s thoughts and feelings.
Being emotionally invalidated can leave us in greater distress than before. We may even sink into greater self-doubt. But just because someone tells us our problems aren’t “that bad”, it doesn’t mean we should delay our needs and solutions.
An analogy
To paint a picture, imagine you had a broken bone, and someone tells you “At least you didn’t lose your entire leg”. Would you then avoid treatment just because someone had to undergo an amputation?
This analogy perfectly represents how just because someone “has it worse”, it shouldn’t discount your current situation. Just because there are people dying, doesn’t mean your struggles don’t matter. While everyone faces varying problems, the emotional pain we feel is rather universal.
So, how do we deal with emotional invalidation?
I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t faced emotional invalidation, by others or self-inflicted. When these words trivialize how we feel or challenges our beliefs, it can be unpleasant, and sometimes even painful.
While people should be accountable for what they say, the reality is that we cannot control how others respond. In times like these, we must reclaim our rights to our emotions. This allows us to better regulate them instead of letting our feelings ride on others’ words.
1. Validate yourself
Invalidating comments can heighten your already active fight-or-flight response, which can leave you feeling defensive. Hence, gently validating your feelings can soften your sympathetic nervous system. When we’re calmer, it’s easier to shake-off the other person’s lack of sensitivity. This prevents extra conflict that could distract both of you from the real issue at hand.
2. Prepare for invalidation
No matter who we share our struggles to, we should prepare for a myriad of responses. Even people with the best intentions may say things we don’t expect to hear. Therefore, sometimes we just have to prepare ourselves for it. Go into a conversation with an open mind, take what was helpful and leave whatever doesn’t serve you.
3. Determine their intent and experiences
People can be thoughtful with their intent but mindless with their words. Some may have been recipients of emotional invalidation their whole lives while riding through their problems by dismissing them.
Although these are not excuses for their response, we can soften the conversation by clarifying their intent. You may let them know their response wasn’t ideal and then guide them the right way to respond. This helps them align their intent with their behavior so that they can better show up for everyone (and themselves).
4. Draw the line
If the invalidation came from poor intentions, this is when we need to set some boundaries. The good thing is, it’s probably clear this person isn’t who you’d open up to in the future.
Roman stoic philosopher Seneca once said “anger is like a falling rock which breaks itself into pieces upon the very thing it crushes.” Hence, even if their response is obviously hurtful, you’ll waste more energy fighting against their abuse. This doesn’t mean giving in, but rather protecting your energy while requesting clarification and an apology.
Concluding Thoughts…
Sharing our experiences shouldn’t equate to giving others ownership of our feelings. Your emotions are yours, and they are valid, no matter the external response or judgment.
So, before cutting ties with people, or holding yourself back from opening up, know that you can protect yourself from the painful impact of emotional invalidation. We too can try to understand less-than-ideal opinions come from less-than-ideal experiences. Most of the time, if they’re someone who means well, they will understand you and try to be better.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
Marcus Aurelius (Roman Stoic Philosopher)
