Introduction
One of my favorite definitions of burnout is that it is a chronic state of being out of sync with one or more aspects of your life. Research by job listing site Indeed found that more than 50% of their respondents are dealing with burnout in 2021. Highlighting the effects of the prolonged effects of the pandemic and its following economic and political woes. Moreover, burnout researchers Michael P. Leitner and Christina Maslach concluded that the six major factors to burnout are lack of control, conflicting values, insufficient reward, work overload, unfairness, community breakdown.
Burnout has been quite the buzz concept these days, but no one really talks about the shame, fear, and guilt associated with it. And how these emotional conflicts intensify the original problem.
Hitting a Burnout Wall
At the end of 2020, I was completing my university studies, wrapping up a thesis, finishing up my internship and ready to move on to a life of fulltime employment.
Despite having accomplishments that I was supposed to be proud of, I caught myself swimming in unbeatable exhaustion. The only thing I looked forward to happened to be the ankle surgery I scheduled in December because I knew I would be forced into bed rest. I thought I would feel better after the 2-week rehabilitation period and would be refreshed and energized to go back to work. Little did I know the heaviness returned shortly after and it was becoming tougher to stay positive and focused.
I’m usually pretty good at pulling myself together after hard falls and setbacks, but this time it was becoming more and more difficult to simply get out of bed in the mornings and to fall asleep at night.
Back in my mind, I knew I was completely out of balance. I experimented with being more disciplined taking the weekends off and clocking out on time. However, I was too restless to even fully recuperate during my downtime.
The Guilt and Shame Behind Burnout
On top of the fatigue, I was drowned in a lot of fear, guilt, and shame. This stemmed from being unenthusiastic at work, irritable around my family, and zoning out when hanging out with friends. I couldn’t understand nor accept that I was feeling this way, as I used to be able to pack in and accomplish so much more into my schedule pre-pandemic days.
Eventually, despite the fear, I decided to press pause on my first job, and that came with other woes that I’m currently sorting out. Thoughts like “Maybe I’m not as resilient as I’d like to be”, “What if I’m one of those Millennial Snowflakes people have been talking about”, ran through my mind constantly. This dreadful fatigue quickly turned into an existential issue.
What Caused It?
1) I correlated burnout to failure and weakness
Admitting to my burnout felt so much like I was admitting to being weak. With previous challenges I’ve overcome, I unknowingly bought into an idea that I should be impervious to stress. Hence these feelings of overwhelm, disorientation and helplessness felt so much like I was regressing in life. All because I thought “I had been through much worse”.
2) I was afraid of how it would look like in my CV
When I was contemplating taking a break, I feared how the gap would appear on my resume, and how I would disappoint my colleagues and bosses. Inevitably, there were also friends and family that questioned me when I told them how I felt despite being only at the beginning of my career.
3) I had responsibilities and goals to uphold
The pandemic had taken a toll on my parents’ business, and I hoped to be able to contribute to some financial responsibilities with my first job. On top of that, I had a financial plan for my postgraduate studies and achieve my goals of moving abroad.
Questions I Asked Myself to Relieve the Shame
1) How long more do I want to wear my busyness and fatigue as a badge of honor?
2) Are other’s opinions more important than how I’m treating others and myself in this state of being?
3) If you don’t feel accomplished despite all you’ve done last year, would you feel accomplished if you sacrificed your health and relationships even more to accomplish your current goals?
4) Will my life really crumble down just by taking some time off?
Concluding thoughts,
Upon recognizing burnout and the emotional turmoil that comes with it, it’s also important to acknowledge that you’re not alone. Regaining balance will be slow and painful, getting help may feel draining on its own. But by taking time to realign your values, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and what you really want from your life.
To fight the stigma and shame surrounding burnout, we need to start being honest and lean into humble action, and this may look different for everyone. Until societal and organizational measures are implemented, we as individuals need to start working on ourselves so that we can better show up for others and our work.
For those in burnout, this may feel like a lot and that’s fine. I’m beyond grateful for the fact that you’re spending your cognitive effort reading this article. For the rest of us, I wish our collective compassion can relieve some of the burdens carried by those going through tough times.
No one can show up 100% of the time. Next time you feel upset for temporarily not being the best version of yourself, notice the attachment you have to perfection and remember that you occasionally need to slow down and preserve your energy to fully restore your wellbeing.
Yung Pueblo
