Dismantling the Ego
Casual definitions of the ego include:
- being arrogant
- having an unhealthy sense of self-importance
- selfishly putting oneself first before others
We often use the word “egotistic” to condemn self-centered individuals. While these definitions aren’t completely wrong, they only scratch the surface of their deeper meaning.
Bad Reputation?
The term ‘ego’ has earned a pretty bad rep within the self-help and psychological realm. We commonly use it to criticize the arrogant and selfish and correlate egotistical individuals to narcissists. Ultimately, criticism towards being egotistic stems from a lack of deeper understanding. Hence, we need to understand the true meaning behind the ego to cultivate a healthier sense of self-understanding.
Origins
1. The English word Ego is translated from the Latin word ‘I’.
So yes, your ego is technically – you.
2. Your ego is separates yourself from everything and everyone else.
It is what allows you to say “I am not my phone. I am not my mother. I am not my toy poodle. I am me.”
3. Everyone has an ego; it allows us to perceive the world from our own personal vantage point.
It shapes our unique personal and psychological perspectives and is influenced by our experiences, goals, beliefs, preferences, identities and biases.
3. Freud’s Take on the Ego – The Reality Principle
The Father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, described the ego as part of human personality that arbitrates between the animalistic desires of the id and the moral standards of the superego. The ego is the decision-making bridge between our animal desires and our humanistic values. The ego ensures that it fulfills the needs of the id (animal desires) and the superego (moral values) all while conforming to the demands of our reality and our society.
The Ego is Simply an Overly Protective Parent
Original explanations of the ego all lean towards it being a mediator between our animalistic desires and our moral values. Doesn’t sound like he’d be such a bad guy right? If anything, the ego is nothing but a protective parent stopping us from hurting ourselves.
Our ego protects us from subjective harm programmed by individual hardships. For example, we might have experienced a bad fall during childhood, our ego then acts like a protective parent living in our minds, constantly reminding us to stay away from high places – hence developing the fear of heights.
But of course, being an overly protective parent is only helpful to a certain extent. Though the ego keeps you safe, too much of it keeps you stuck and unable to grow. Like a parent constantly giving shallow praise, the ego can create a false sense of comfort instead of cultivating authentic self-confidence.
The Ego & Its Mechanisms of Defence
Sigmund Freud’s daughter, Anna Freud, pioneered in the research of five main defense mechanisms:
- Repression
- Regression
- Projection
- Reaction Formation
- Sublimation
Defense mechanisms are expressed through our anxiety reactions. They are silently driven by the ego’s coordination between our conscious and subconscious.
These defense mechanisms protect us from overwhelming feelings of anxiety or guilt – a result of the battle between the id and superego. They help us cope with negative feelings and are natural and normal. Only when we are heavily dependent on these defenses is when we develop problems such as phobias, addictions, obsessions, and/or debilitating anxiety.
Toxic Masculinity – Why Do Men Have “Bigger Egos”?
“By far the worst thing we do to males is making them feel like they have to be tough – leaving them with big but fragile egos.”
Glennon Doyle
The popular term “toxic masculinity” was born when society started prescribing boys with a culture of hulk and bulk. Humanity was forced into aggression when we began encouraging men to suppress their emotions and mask their distress; to maintain an appearance of toughness while celebrating violence as an indication of power.
When we teach boys to suppress their emotions, we are fertilizing their egos. When we teach boys to deny their distress, we are encouraging them to displace their anger onto another innocent victim. When we teach boys to assert violence to ensure their safety, we are synthesizing their inflexibility to take constructive criticism.
Emotions and emotional expression are universal and is not exclusive to women. Boys who believe men don’t cry will become men who rage. The parts that boys have been discouraged from are not feminine traits; they are human traits. Prohibiting the expression of these qualities is how the status quo keeps its power.
As a result, high expectations for men to suppress their emotions cultivates a culture of projecting their insecurities by belittling others and inserting dominance. This explains why men deal with the heavy need to rely on their ego’s defense mechanisms. And this is the true meaning when we judge a man with a “big ego”.
Photo by Jovydas Pinkevicius on Pexels.com
Taming the Ego with Vulnerability
Men are perceived to have bigger egos as their aggression is more salient. However, women’s egoistic defenses are equally strong, just less obvious, and manifested differently. As women, we engage in lots of denial and rationalization and we belittle ourselves. To stay safe, a woman’s ego silences her own voice.
So, the ego is universal because emotion is universal. The ego only serves to protect us when we deny our authentic selves to conform to society. The goal is to tame our egos, not shame them nor deny them.
The only way to do so is to embrace our vulnerabilities, thanking this overly protective parent for the hard work it has done and then letting it know that we’re strong enough to survive the harsh waves life throws at us with open arms and open hearts.
Five Check-Ins to Tame the Ego.
- Recognize defensive emotions.
- Take a step back and reflect on discomfort – Why did my ego react this way? Which part of my past is it holding on to and protecting me from?
- Refrain from blaming and shaming yourself and others.
- Acknowledge that everyone is trying to achieve a sense of security that has once been taken away from them.
- Connect with yourself and others from an empathic space.
Concluding Thoughts
The majority of us try to run away from difficult emotions and subconscious trauma. As a result, we let our egos do the protecting and reacting. Operating according to our overly protective egos may feel safe, but we also miss out on new possibilities and we lose the ability to be open-minded and to grow. The key to taming the ego is therefore to learn how and why you react negatively to certain situations. Only with this awareness of your defense mechanisms will you be able to connect with them and then gracefully let them go.
