In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, self-esteem is a human psychological need imperative for meaningful progress in life. Heads up high, bright eyes and wide smiles – someone with a good sense of self-esteem is likely to also be successful and confident. On the other hand, self-esteem deficits are correlated to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Or vice versa, where physical and/or mental ails contribute to a poorer sense of self.
Why striving for “high self-esteem” may not resolve low self-esteem issues?
It’s easy to come to the conclusion that someone with a successful career also has “high self-esteem”. However, many who strive for superiority are just attempting to compensate for deep-rooted feelings of inferiority.
If your self-esteem is dependent on external approval, the rewards are unlikely to last you very long. External validation is fragile and can easily be taken away. While it may feel extremely gratifying at the moment, very soon the dopamine-hit subsides and you’ll find yourself spiraling back to self-loathing thoughts and behaviors.
Healthy self-esteem should be a journey rather than a finite end-goal we strive to achieve. Most of us spend lots of time waiting to declare, “Yes! Finally, I’ve got the life, body, relationship of my dreams” to determine their “achievement of good self-esteem”. However, our self-esteem is something we should be nurturing regularly according to our current conditions.
The question is, how? How do we actually nurture a positive sense of self? It’s not easy, I surrender to that fact. My low self-esteem is rooted deep in poor confidence, childhood conditioning, and lifelong comparison. While I’ve done the meditation, journaling, and a multitude of gratitude exercises. I still find myself fumbling over which is the “best” method or the most “effective” solution. Whether it’s being encouraged to “stop thinking negatively” or “think more positively”, without consistently putting things into action, you can’t exactly “think your way out” of low self-esteem.
Nurturing self-esteem and confidence go beyond successful achievements and positive self-talk
1. Practice neutral over positive self-talk
In moments of defeat, positive affirmations and gratitude journals can feel like the last thing you want to do. While these are wonderful practices, it can feel strange and phony to stand in front of a mirror while telling yourself “I’m beautiful” or “I’m worthy. This is because we have yet to internalize these statements, and it can be even harder to do so in a low mood.
A good alternative for positive self-talk is neutral self-talk. Neutral self-talk is steeped in objectivity and groundedness, while positive affirmations may be tucked within faraway desires. Examples of neutral self-statements include:
- I’m doing what I can with my current resources
- Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed
- I’m no better or worse than anyone else
- There are some things I dislike about myself, but there are also things I take pride in
2. Leverage on strengths
We all have our own unique strengths and hobbies. This includes skills we’re good at or enjoy, as well as personality traits we’re proud of. Thus, engaging in these skills and qualities fortifies our self-esteem through a more authentic approach.
But wait… how on earth am I supposed to even know what my greatest strengths are to begin with?! As someone with an overpowering inner critic, I understand it can be difficult to identify your own positive qualities. One way is to simply ask loved ones who see the best in you. You’d be surprised at the positive things your confidants appreciate about you that you overlook.
Once you’ve identified a couple of your strengths, take some time daily to engage in them and most importantly enjoy the process. Start with just one of your strengths and, each day, determine how you will use it.
3. Have fun with your weaknesses and flaws
Every single human being, no matter how rich, attractive or successful, has something they wish they can change about themselves.
Whether it’s a physical, mental, personality, or emotional weakness, it doesn’t determine your worth. Instead, the best version of you is the one that learns to embrace these flaws. Choosing to approach them with curiosity and mindfulness, even have a laugh about them once in a while. The most approachable and authentic people are the ones who don’t take their flaws too seriously.
4. Acceptance before enhancement
Acceptance means treating oneself as valid and while. Acknowledging that you are worth all the wonderful things you want to pursue in life. American Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Enhancement of one’s life cannot occur until one breaks through the resistance of acceptance. Because the sooner you unconditionally accept the situation for what it is, the sooner you can make a decision about what is next best for you. The desire to be different, paired with the resistance to acknowledge your worth, creates only a smokescreen between you and your highest self.
Concluding thoughts…
The concept of achieving high self-esteem can feel abstract and intimidating. However, instead of waiting for confidence to make its grand entrance, we can decide to find value and meaning in our lives regardless of our current circumstances. Kindness and understanding towards others and ourselves should not wait until we reach the top of the self-esteem ladder. It’s our authentic choices and actions that return our power back to ourselves, freeing us from the infinite opinions of the world, and eventually nurturing a beautiful and healthy sense of self.
